How to have the RIGHT
relationship and the RIGHT work!
September,
2010
By Craig Nathanson - The Vocational Coach™
The importance of the RIGHT relationship
What happens to you when you have someone close in your life
that you love and who loves you? Of course there are children,
but in this article I am going to address your special relationship.
It could be a spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend or someone
very special in your life. Perhaps you had this person at one
time in your life and would like this again. Perhaps you are
fortunate enough now to have this special person in your life.
Perhaps you are alone or in a relationship which is not working.
What do you do now? There are many things which come from a
great relationship. Your sense of self increases, you become
calmer, you have more intimacy, and overall you are happier.
With regards to your work which you love and can do for a lifetime,
having this special person in your life is critical. You feel
support in your work, you have a cheerleader, and, most important,
you can share your work passions and interests with someone
special who is both interested in your work and cares deeply
about you. Now seems like a good time for you to either make
this special relationship even stronger or search for a new
relationship which will align with your work.
The influence of close relationships on work
When you have someone to come home to, who shares a little
of your passion about your work, this only makes your work stronger.
You have someone to bounce ideas off, someone to give you advice
without the silly performance review, and, most important, you
have another person who loves you and has a vested interest
in your work. Do you have this special person to come home to?
If not, why? What is preventing you right now to do something
about this? If you are reading this article and you are over
40, there is no time to waste. This is your time to be selfish
and pursue this special person or make your current relationship
if it is working even better.
How to build a strong relationship foundation
Assuming you have the right person for you in your life right
now, it’s time to grow this relationship. Do you take
at least an hour a day for deep conversations and recap of your
day? Do you have special time set aside each and every day for
sharing? Do you each take the time to really listen to each
other every day? Do you have goals for the year which are aligned?
Do you have date nights? Do you laugh together? Do you live
for the moment and really appreciate and enjoy each other? Does
the sight of the other person make you smile, make your heart
flutter, and fill you with a sense of good fortune? Are you
truly grateful for your partner as he or she is for you?
What happens when you have RIGHT work but WRONG relationship?
Let’s say you love your work but each day you come to
a partner who is not supportive or appreciative of you and your
work? As a result, you don’t feel like sharing and the
two of you continue to grow apart. It seems like you no longer
have anything to talk about. You secretly wonder how to escape
soon. One way to try and break through this challenge is to
really sit down with your partner and share each other’s
values, goals, and perspective of each other. If you find there
is little agreement and or support, it’s time for a transition
plan out of the relationship, especially if there are no signs
of compromise on either side. The reason that 1 out of every
2 marriages in North America ends in divorce is because one
day we wake up and discover that we grew apart. It takes both
sides to support development and growth and when one person
is held back in a relationship from growing the relationship
soon grows stagnant and eventually dies. This has an effect
on the person who loves his or her work. Suddenly the work once
loved becomes just a job again. This is an experience to be
avoided after 40.
What happens with WRONG relationship and WRONG work?
This is worse. It gets harder to wake up each day, especially
next to the person you are with. You feel trapped. You have
no refuge. You continue on with your life, but you are simply
a character in a play wearing a mask. You wonder when the genie
will show up in your life to save you. Then one day you realize
that it is up to you to force change.
I see this with many clients. They don’t change until
the pain of not changing becomes worse than to make the change
and then they do.
The magic of RIGHT work and RIGHT relationships
This is an authentic
life. There are no more secrets. You tell yourself and others
that you love your work and you love your partner and you love
your life.
Each day you pinch yourself hoping the person you woke up next
to wasn’t a dream. Then you realize it’s real and
the person you really love and care about is right next to you
and feels the same about you. You leap out of bed full of excitement
about your day and your work. You pause for a moment worrying
that the Human Resources police might stop you for being so
joyful about work which is supposed to be about productivity
and compliance not joy and fulfillment. Then you realize there
are no HR police in your day and you smile. You are living an
AUTHENTIC
life. As a result, you are available to help others and
be totally focused on your work and your relationships.
How to get out of a WRONG relationship
This is hard. Sit down; explain to the other person what is
no longer working for you. Listen deeply to the other side.
In many cases your partner may also be feeling the same way.
Write down what you want and then share your sense of purpose
in your life, your values, what you prize most in your life.
Share the parts of your life you would like to change and why.
See if you and your partner can be supportive after sharing.
Agree to a plan to get closer. Within a year, if nothing seems
to be changing, you will know the answer: you have to change.
Like a domino effect, eventually the aspects of your life one
by one will change for the better.
How to find the RIGHT relationship
First make a list of the criteria which is most important to
you in a relationship. What MUST be in place for you in a relationship?
It’s ok to be selfish here. Your second list is about
what SHOULD be in place for you in a relationship. Don’t
hold anything back. Of course also list what you want the other
person to be like. Finally, your third list details what would
be NICE if it was in place for you in a relationship. List everything,
don’t hold back. With your criteria defined, you will
start to attract exactly what you are seeking. This is how life
works when you know what you want.
Your authentic life awaits you!
You can have the RIGHT relationship AND the RIGHT
work. It takes effort and focus. You can do it and you deserve
this now!
I'll be cheering you on as you go!
Craig Nathanson
Craig Nathanson is the author of "How
to find the RIGHT work during challenging times: A new approach
to your life and work after 40" and is a coaching
expert who works with people over forty.
Visit Craig’s online
community where you can take a class, get more ideas through
Craig Nathanson’s books and CD’s, get some private
coaching over the phone or using skype and webcam and in Craig’s
office, or read other stories of mid-life change and renewal.
Craig lives and works in Petaluma, California. His office
is located at P.O Box 2823, Petaluma Ca, 94953. You can reach
him at 707-775-4020 or at craig@thevocationalcoach.com.
Craig's Vocational Passion Newsletters are edited by Anita
Flegg at The Sharp Quill. The Sharp Quill -- www.sharpquill.com
-- specializes in writing and editing for small business. You
can see Anita's vocational story at http://www.thevocationalcoach.com/_vocational_community/_real_stories/story_anita.html
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